I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
