Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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