Swine flu. Run for my life!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
This is classic penis vs brain.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
