I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You're a waste of cheezeits
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
