Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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