Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
