First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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