in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
