be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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