god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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