He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
