he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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