I want to make a zoo with you.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
