He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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