Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
