I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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