Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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