Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
