He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
