honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
