He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
