My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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