On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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