remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
