just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
