My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
