So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
