I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
