Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize