mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
