yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
