i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
