If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
