i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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