Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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