Pappa wants mamma naked
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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