we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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