And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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