Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
