I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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