Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Green mimosas i think yes
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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