I haven't been this sober since birth.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize