somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
