My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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