My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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