I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
