Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
