Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
