Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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