You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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