guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize