I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
