I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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