I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The air was thick with penises
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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