i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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