I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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