I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
