Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
