Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
