My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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