I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
