I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
