Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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