Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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